Arsenal owner offers fans £1 billion in compensation

Billionaire Arsenal owner Alisher Usmanov has offered season ticket holders £1 billion in compensation for years of mental anguish, distress, and mediocrity.

‘They have suffered so much for so long’, said Mr. Usmanov.

‘Thirteen years without winning the league is a cruel and unusual punishment for the tens of thousands of fans who turn up week in and week out, only to go home disappointed again and again and again’.

‘It’s only fair that they are adequately compensated for this trauma, so I am setting aside a £1 billion fund for season ticket holders, as a gesture of goodwill, and I hope for their continued loyalty and support’.

‘Ten years from now, we will be on a par with Bayern Munich. Keep the faith’.

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