[Hoot!] – Scientists discover the healing power of Trump

[HOOT!] – Scientists have today confirmed that Donald Trump possesses amazing healing powers, although they admit the causes of this phenomenon remain a mystery.

‘We’ve never seen anything like it’, said a leading physicist, who wishes to remain anonymous.

‘Just placing your hands on the President will cure all major illnesses and ailments’.

‘I myself have been short sighted since I was a boy, but after touching Mr. Trump, I now have perfect vision’.

‘My disabled nephew has been in a wheelchair for all of his life, but after five minutes with the President, he got up and sprinted out of the White House like an Olympian’.

‘It’s a miracle’.

‘God bless Donald Trump’.

Full story here: http://dailym.ai/2uJ15U6




[Hoot!] – Pope banned from Facebook for threatening non-believers

[HOOT!] – Pope Francis has been banned from Facebook after repeatedly threatening other users with eternal hell and damnation.

‘This is a clear breach of our terms of service’, said a Facebook spokesman.

‘Just because he is God’s holy representative on earth, doesn’t mean he has the right to tell strangers that they will spend the rest of time boiling in Lucifer’s infernal cauldron if they don’t convert to Catholicism’.

‘We consider this to be threatening and intimidating behaviour, which will not be tolerated’.

‘We had no choice but to ban him’.

This news comes just days after the Dalai Llama had his twitter account shut down after repeatedly trolling the Archbishop of Canterbury.

Full story here: http://bit.ly/2uzM3jJ




[Hoot!] – Anarchist baboon brings down Zambian power grid

[HOOT!] – A baboon believed to be affiliated with the radical anarchist group ‘Primates for Power’, has succesfully infiltrated a power station, cutting off the electricity supply to over 50,000 people.

The government has declared a state of emergency, after the group’s Facebook page said that further attacks were imminent, and troops have been put on standby in case these threats are credible.

A spokesman for the ministry of defence warned people to stay calm, stay indoors, and wait for the lights to come back on, as engineers were working round the clock to repair the damage.

‘We must not let this disrupt our way of life’, said the Zambian President at a press conference.

‘Our values will prevail. Our democracy will not be broken’.

‘We will find you, and justice will be served’.

Full story here: http://bit.ly/2vCtk3O





[Hoot!] – Winnie the Pooh arrested in China for subversion

[HOOT!] – Winnie the Pooh has been arrested in China for subversion, after government officials declared the popular children’s character as ‘an enemy of the people’, and a ‘dangerous dissident’.

An official statement from the Chinese Interior Ministry elaborated further:

‘Do not be fooled by this bear’s friendly demeanour’.

‘He is a serious threat to the stability of the Ruling Party, and will be dealt with accordingly’.

‘We cannot let him undermine our communist ideals’.

‘Let this be a warning. Traitors will be caught and punished’.

This news comes just days after the Teletubbies were detained at Pyongyang airport for ‘attempting to undermine the peace and prosperity of the Glorious Leader’s harmonious government of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea’.

Full story here: http://bit.ly/2uD0YJB


[Hoot!] – Trump meets Putin in secret underground volcano lair

[HOOT!] – Vladimir Putin and Donald Trump have held a secret meeting in an underground volcano lair, leading many to believe the two of them are planning an impending global takeover.

Theresa May has reportedly dispatched superspy James Bond to investigate, as his previous experience infiltrating the SPECTRE secret volcano base in 1967’s You Only Live Twice means he is well equipped to handle this kind of situation.

President Trump dismissed these allegations as ‘very fake news’, while President Putin was unavailable for comment, as it is believed he is currently hiding on his space station, preparing to fire a supercharged Ion laser at all major European cities.

Full story here: http://bbc.in/2u85P4P




[Hoot!] – ‘Being Prime Minister is so easy, even Theresa May can do it’, says Philip Hammond

Philip Hammond has today confirmed that being Prime Minister is so easy, even someone like Theresa May can do it.

‘There is a popular misconception that somehow the job of Prime Minister is a difficult one’, said the chancellor.

‘But the fact that someone as hopeless as Theresa May has been doing it for nearly a year proves otherwise’.

‘There’s nothing to it really. Advisors tell you what to think, focus groups tell you what policies to implement, and somebody else writes your speeches’.

‘All you have to do is turn up every day’.

‘Apart from the summer recess’.

‘And I still don’t think Boris is up to the job’.

‘I certainly am though…’

Full story here: http://bit.ly/2vnjVNl



[Hoot!] – Theresa May renames Tory party ‘The People’s Conservative Workers’ Party’

In an attempt to reach out to those on the other side of the political divide, Theresa May has decided to rebrand her party as ‘The People’s Conservative Worker’s Party’.

Speaking outside Downing Street, Mrs. May said:

‘I’ve always been a working class girl at heart. My father worked down the mines for fifty years, while my mother raised eight children. We were poor, but we were happy’.

‘Dad was a Labour man through and through. He always hoped that one day I would grow up to lead a people’s revolution against the decadent upper classes, and today his dream has come true’.

‘That’s why I’m announcing the start of a new kind of politics. Out goes the Conservative Party. In comes The People’s Conservative Workers’ Party’.

‘It’s time for social justice, fairness, equality, diversity, unity, and harmony’.

‘Tax the rich, and feed the poor’.

‘Vote for The People’s Conservative Workers’ Party, and let me lead you to the promised land’.

Full story here: http://bit.ly/2sWD3oQ





[Hoot!] – Anders Breivik adds Ross Kemp to his Christmas card list.

Norwegian terror enthusiast Anders Breivik has added Ross Kemp to his Christmas card list, after confessing to being a huge fan of Eastenders.

Speaking from his prison cell in Oslo, Mr. Breivik said:

‘I grew up watching him on television. His portrayal of tough guy Grant Mitchell was both thought-provoking and inspiring, so I thought I’d send him a Christmas card this year as a way of saying thanks for all the good memories’.

‘His series on the war in Afghanistan was also very impressive’.

‘Maybe he could come and visit me one day. I’m sure we’d have a lot in common’.

This news comes just days after Dennis Nilsen sent flowers and chocolates to TV presenter Noel Edmonds, in appreciation of his fine work hosting ‘Noel’s House Party’ in the 1990s.

Full story here: http://dailym.ai/2t5UC0Q



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